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 Eels:  Essential Eels CD Review
by Patricia Scull

If you’re an Eels fan already, you probably already own the majority of the songs on this cd.  However, if you stopped paying attention to the Eels after 1996’s “Novocaine For the Soul” and want to expand your Eels repertoire, this is certainly a pleasant introduction.  On this disc are songs plucked from the expansive last decade of Eels material.  Standouts include “Fresh Feelin’,” whose intro consists of the main beat with an off-key symphonic warm-up, flowing regally into the legato, stringed melody, and “Mr. E’s Beautiful Blues,” whose paradoxical lyrics proclaim, “Goddamn right it’s a beautiful day.”  There are also two previously unreleased songs, “Climbing to the Moon,” and a whimsical Missy Elliott cover, “Get Ur Freak On.”  A definite plus to the cd is the dvd that accompanies it.  Chock full of quirky, original videos, you’ll definitely want to check out “Last Stop: This Town” and witness a carrot’s amusing transformation into a miniature human robot.

JayMay - Autumn Fallin' CD Review
by Patricia Scull

 The songs on JayMay’s “Autumn Fallin’” are sweet, simple, and endearing tapestries that illustrate the singer’s wistful emotions.  The album is heartbreak-centric, and New York City is referenced in several songs, evoking the desolation of being alone, while surrounded by millions of people.  In its catchy melody and JayMay’s charming voice, “Blue Skies” is a song set for commercial success, while “Gray or Blue” has elements reminiscent of a calmer, folksier version of Regina Spektor.  Most of the songs are simply JayMay, an acoustic guitar, some light percussion in the form of drums or tambourine, and a sprinkling of keyboard or xylophone.  The cd in its entirety is a strong debut, ideal for listening to while taking an introspective stroll through NYC, relishing the heartbreak and beauty the city has to offer.

Michael Jackson 25th Anniversary Thriller CD review
by Patricia Scull

 Michael Jackson is a man of extremes – sensationally bad press (child molestation charges, anyone?), undeniable weirdness (think Neverland Ranch), and his self-proclaimed title, the "King of Pop."  It's obvious his talent has been eclipsed by his turmoiled personal life.  Let's try for just a minute to forget all the lawsuits, financial pandemonium and countless rumors that have enveloped Jacko's career for the last two decades.  I know it's tough, but underneath it all, here is an artist who is unparalleled in his unique imprint on pop culture.  Despite his personal downfall, hits like "Billie Jean," "Beat It," and title track "Thriller" are still considered classic.  Epic/Legacy's 25^th Anniversary Thriller release consists of the classic album Thriller, with extras including remixes by the likes of will.i.am, Akon, and Fergie.  Unless you're really into crappy remixes, skip those tracks and pop in the DVD, which includes music videos for "Billie Jean," "Beat It," and of course, "Thriller."  Scare all your friends by learning the choreography and exhibiting it in public.  Let's not forget that a man with such a penchant for glitter, moon walking, and that unforgettable rhinestone-studded glove can't be all bad.

Mika – Life in Cartoon Motion
By Patricia Scull
 
If you wish the Scissor Sisters and Queen had a night of freaky gay sex and somehow wound up with a baby that bears an uncanny physical resemblance to Rufus Wainwright, you're in luck.   Mika's debut album is a feel-good symphony of falsetto madness.   And I mean that in the best way possible.  There are 12 tracks on the album, including "Billy Brown," whose sing-song melody begins with the lyrics, "Oh Billy Brown had lived an ordinary life/Two kids, a dog and a cautionary wife/While it was all going according to plan/Then Billy Brown fell in love with another man."   Even though this song is track 9, it sets a pretty good precedent for the rest of the cd.  The man's vocal range is incredible, showcased on "Grace Kelly," "Happy Ending," and well, almost every other track on the album.   The songs are catchy from the get-go, and while some sugary pop songs lose their appeal after about the 5^th listen, these songs grow on you.  You have to laugh along with a man who titles a song "Big Girl (You Are Beautiful)," and sings "Get yourself to the Butterfly Lounge/Find yourself a big lady/Big boy come on around/They'll be calling you baby."

Terrance Harrison: Dancing his way to the top 
-Patricia Scull

Upon meeting Terrance Harrison, immediately, I got the impression that life comes pretty effortlessly for him. Everything about him – from his clothes to his demeanor to the success in his career – struck me as requiring very little debate on his part. Terrance, age 23, has already built the foundations for a thriving career in dance. He has worked with some of the top names in entertainment, including Snoop Dogg, OutKast, Nelly, Omarion, Vanessa Williams, Lindsay Lohan, Raven (of Disney’s That’s So Raven), Marques Houston, and choreographers Hinton Battle and Fatima Robinson. The list goes on.

Even from childhood, the boy had a dream. More importantly, the boy had drive. With no formal dance training and growing up in Houston, Texas, Harrison was raised far from the “Hollywood” world of dance in which he currently resides. Mimicking hip hop on MTV was the extent of dance class, but after a short, unfulfilling stint in college, Terrance decided to move to L.A. at only 19, and try to “make it.” He’s got the physical ability and the right attitude to succeed in the business of dance. “Dance,” he says, “is what music looks like.” He now has an agent, but even as a dancer, he says, “You have to have a strong business mind. Nobody promotes you better than YOU.”

Terrances’s first major appearance was at the 2004 MTV Movie Awards, hosted by Lindsay Lohan. When paparazzi took a picture of him and Tom Cruise shaking hands at the show, he says, “I felt like that was my ‘I made it!’ moment.” Now, it seems that to him, celebrity sightings are commonplace. “Living in L.A., you know who’s going to what club, and which ones to stay away from,” he says with a laugh.

I met up with Terrance on his last day in Wilmington, NC, after wrapping his part in the movie Bolden!, “a mythical account of the life of Buddy Bolden, the first Cornet King of New Orleans,” set for release in 2008. Partially filmed in New Orleans, the majority of the film was shot in Wilmington, over a 6 month period. Bolden brought the town a slew of new jobs, both on and off screen. Harrison became involved with Bolden! through Hinton Battle, a choreographer and friend with whom he worked on Idlewild with (also filmed in Wilmington). He auditioned in both Los Angeles and New York, and from there, he and Battle selected 60 local dancers to fill dance parts in Bolden!. Because Bolden! takes place in the late 1800s/early 1900s, most of the dance scenes are filmed at the “carnival and local joints,” says Harrison. The dance styles are “high energy, and involve a lot of swing dancing, modern, a little hip hop. It’s very stage-like, along the lines of Chicago.”

During breaks from shooting, Harrison found the time to do some live dance shows in L.A., in a style of dance called “crumping.” Think Missy Elliott – “very powerful and precise moves,” he explains. When asked what he was up to now that Bolden! was finished, he described a few upcoming projects, which include producing a television show with Raven Simone, and choreographing an entire Cirque du Soleil show. Bragworthy undertakings, yes; however, Harrison explains them with more excitement and enthusiasm than egotism. Keep an ear to the ground, and you will certainly hear Terrance Harrison’s name. Right now, his accomplishments and the names of his collaborators ring more of a mainstream bell than his own moniker, but I have a feeling that it won’t be too long before his name starts ringing a lot of bells of its own in the world of entertainment. 

Uhuru Surfcraft: Vehicles for the Expression of Self
-Patricia Scull


What’s in a Name?

The good people at Uhuru Surfcraft (pronounced: oo HOO roo) are not only selling surfboards, they’re selling a way of life. As cliché as this sounds, you can’t help but notice the attention to detail in all the company embodies. The word uhuru is Swahili for freedom. We here in the United States take for granted the fact that freedom is an integral part of what defines us both as a nation and as citizens of this country, and it is our collective state of mind that this is, interminably, what we feel we deserve. Essentially, the concept of freedom is something that we feel is our “God given right” to have.

What many of us tend to forget, however, is that freedom is sometimes an unreachable goal that many groups of people are resolute on achieving – often violently, and often fruitlessly. The founders of Uhuru Surfcraft understand that freedom is an idea and is elusive by nature. To identify and embody the beauty of uhuru is no small task, and its importance is integrated in every aspect of their work. From the craftsmen’s attitude to their logo, which “represents the human figure, arms raised as a symbol [of] freedom,” the idea of freedom is infused in everything that surrounds them.

Family Matters

A family owned and operated business, Uhuru Surfcraft is kept alive by the brains, batteries, and business savvy of John (aka “Ras Jahn”), Mariale, and Mercedes Reinhard. Boards are distributed stateside in North Carolina and California, and sold as far away as Venezuela, Spain, and Barbados. So what makes these boards so internationally appealing? “Surfboards are losing personality,” John says, which is why no two boards are alike – the Reinhards consider surfboards to be a “vehicle for the expression of self.” Every board has a name, and “reflects your lifestyle and personality.” Inspiration for boards ranges from iconic idols such as Che Guevara, Jimmy Hendrix, and Bob Marley to random flashes of genius over dinner, resulting in a corn-on-the-cob board. Their goal is for “culture to meld into [the] product.” As far as originality goes, Uhuru boards are among the most unique out there.

The women Reinhards are key players in the company, with Mercedes as the abundantly skilled specialist in airbrushing, jewelry, and mosaics (which are expertly used in the Artistic Board Design Series), while Mariale is the Venezuelan liaison and has a hand in the women’s clothing sector of the business. The women’s board line is also personalized and tailored to the specific tastes and individuality of the customer, with “custom airbrushes,” and “real flower and jewel inlays.” The presence and contributions of the Uhuru women play a vital role in maintaining the authenticity of the boards and sustaining the loyalty of their customers.

Giving Back

By way of sponsorship in the recent East Coast Wahine Championships, Uhuru Surfcraft is also doing its part in nurturing a growing culture of surf. Recently held in Wrightsville Beach, NC, the competition allowed the Uhuru camp to revisit its roots in the eastern NC area, setting up a tent and giving out tee shirts at the event. You can also find Uhuru Surfcraft sponsoring “Surfer Divas” in the Hermosa Beach City School District. This innovative program is aimed at training middle school girls the art of board building.

In the environmental realm, Uhuru has just introduced its E3 line of surfboards. Evolution, EPS (foam), and Epoxy (resin) are the 3 E’s that construct these environmentally friendly boards. The essential main difference in these boards is that they are made with a different type of foam than most other boards, as well as utilize an Epoxy resin, which also happens to be stronger than a typical surfboard lamination. All of these modifications result in a board that is lighter, stronger, and longer lasting. Uhuru is currently offering both E3 boards (pricier, but with distinct environmental perks) as well as standard boards.

To our great benefit as consumers, freedom of expression is a right that Uhuru Surfcraft is taking full advantage of. In parting, Uhuru wants to leave us with these words, “Let us work on your dream board.” For more information, visit http://www.uhurusurfcraft.com. 

Celebs in Santa’s Hot Seat 
-Patricia Scull

It’s that time of year again. Halloween is over, the air is getting crisp, Wal-Mart’s “Christmas” selection is slowly taking over the entire store, and Santa is gearing up for a very productive month. A little known fact about the big man – he actually loses about 20 pounds during November and December in the pre-season bustle, largely due to all the overtime he puts in at the office, and also the fact that he’s stressing hard about fitting into that red suit on the big day. True story. Why else do you think he’s so over-indulgent with all the cookies?

And that’s not just speculation. Before I started writing for The Village Idiot, I was a buyer for the North Pole. That’s right people, I know Mr. Kringle personally. He sends me chain emails all the freaking time, which is pretty annoying, but I never say anything because first of all, he’s old (and you know old people and technology), and second, who really wants coal in their stocking anyway? The only way I enjoy coal is a pressurized lump of it in the form of a big fat honking diamond. Or diamond earrings. You get the picture. Anyway, my point is, I got the lowdown on Santa’s Top Secret “Naughty” and “Nice” list, and you’ll never believe who’s on it!

Martha Stewart: NICE. Since she broke free from the iron bars of the jailhouse in late 2005, Martha’s been busy repairing her image and making sure her stock is increasing exponentially. She’s also recently inked a deal with a winery to produce “Martha Stewart Vintage” wines, which earned her brownie points with Mrs. Claus, who is a bit of a wino.

Paris Hilton: NAUGHTY. After her subsequent release from the big house, Ms. Hilton told Larry King Live she was starting a “new beginning,” in which she has since been spotted pole dancing while singing along to her own song “Stars Are Blind” in a New York City nightclub. She was also named the second worst celebrity role model of 2007, right behind …

NAUGHTY Britney Spears: Some of her offenses this year: drunk driving, recurring photos surfacing of her lower half sans panties, almost dropping her children repeated times, partying binges with fellow “naughty” compadre Paris Hilton. Named the #1 worst celebrity role model of 2007 by an AP-AOL news poll, Santa now feels guilty for delivering so many “Baby, One More Time” cds to all those impressionable pre-teen girls back in 1999.

Kid Rock: NAUGHTY. Kid’s just been getting himself involved in too many pointless brawls this year, landing him on Santa’s naughty list. This includes a tiff at the MTV VMA awards with Tommy Lee, who is also famous for dating Pamela Anderson. In October, Kid Rock was reportedly involved in a fight at a Georgia Waffle House. Also, he titled his latest cd “Rock N Roll Jesus.”

Elvis Presley: NICE. Named the #1 top earning dead celebrity of 2007, Santa is feeling a little weird about giving the King cool stuff in his stocking (it’s not like he really needs a Happy Feet Pez dispenser, what with all the revenue he’s earned from his hard work this year), but really, how can a dead guy misbehave?

Hopefully, you’ve been nice this year, and Santa will bring you that weed eater you’ve been wishing for, or that bottle of Jimi Hendrix vodka you’ve been eyeing, or whatever it is that floats your boat. If you’ve been naughty, and wish to alter your status on Santa’s list via bribery, please feel free to send me well-concealed cash and I’ll see what strings I can pull for you. Ho ho ho! 

The Chicken Lady, Sting, and Sex with Robots 
-Patricia Scull

Ah, Thanksgiving. One of the few days a year we meek and humble Americans are able to unleash our censored gluttony and let it course unbridled through the kitchens and dining rooms of America. Thank the good Lord for the land of the free and of the plentiful! Despite the momentous and joyous occasion of overeating and under exercising on this glorious guilt-free day of indulgence, this month’s column will have nothing to do with Thanksgiving … because there are much more interesting and weird things at which to point and laugh. Such as the following:

-Other November holidays. I’m not talking about Veteran’s Day or National AIDS Awareness Month or even Sadie Hawkins Day. I’m talking about National Fig Week (Nov. 1-7), Vinegar Day (Nov. 1), Plan Your Epitaph Day (Nov. 2), National Chicken Lady Day (Nov. 4), and one of my personal favorites, National Men Make Dinner Day (Nov. 7). And since all of these little-known holidays are all lumped into the first week of the month, I suggest you go ahead and just take a week off. No one needs to know that you don’t know who the hell The Chicken Lady is or how she got a national holiday, just take the day off and blame it on your obscure, yet very serious religion.

-Blender Magazine’s “40 Worst Lyricists in Rock.” You might be curious to find out that Mr. Tantric Sex himself tops the list. Of course I’m talking about Sting here. Coming in a close second, third, fourth and fifth are Neil Peart of Rush, Creed frontman Scott Stapp, Noel Gallagher of Oasis, and soft-rock maven Dan Fogelberg. Of Sting’s lyrics, Blender accuses him of “mountainous pomposity [and] cloying spirituality.” As if being Canadian wasn’t enough, Neil Peart’s lyrics are described by the mag as “richly awful tapestries of fantasy and science,” and let’s not forget Noel Gallagher, who “seemed incapable of following a metaphor through a single line, let alone a whole verse.” Ouch.

-G Spot Injections. Sounds painful, and not at all cheap. Although I didn’t bother to research exactly how much a g-spot injection would cost, I’m going to go out on a limb here and speculate that it’s probably not an inexpensive procedure. The “G-Shot” is an injection of collagen, like the collagen used for lip enhancement, directly into the vaginal g-spot. This newly enhanced g-spot is now more accessible and sensitive than an “ordinary” g-spot. Of the procedure, a client exclaims, “It’s like having a mini heartbeat in my crotch!”

-Sex with Robots. I recently came across an article on the respectable msnbc.com entitled, “Sex and Marriage with Robots? It Could Happen.” I am now questioning their respectability quotient, but have come to understand that the good people at MSNBC must have some kind of sense of humor. In the article, Dan Levy, an artificial intelligence researcher at the University of Maastricht in the Netherlands, states in all seriousness that, “My forecast is that around 2050, the state of Massachusetts will be the first jurisdiction to legalize marriages with robots.” He also says that, “At first, sex with robots might be considered geeky.” He is currently working on a paper dealing with the ethical treatment of robots.

-Roombas. While we’re on the robot track, I just wanted to throw it out there that I think it’s really freaky that some Roomba owners have given their robot vacuums nicknames and genders and dress them up in costumes. Check out www.myroombud.com, and take your pick from costumes with names like, “FooFoo the WereRabbit,” “Toothy the Killer Whale,” and “RoomBette La French Maid.” The page also boasts, “If you don’t dress up your Roomba, it’s just a naked vacuum.” Granted, the page was started by a bunch of kids, so it’s allowed to be a little cheesy. But who says you can’t laugh at children? 

Hollywood Hallo-Weenies 
-Patricia Scull

In honor of the most fantastic day of the year rapidly approaching (yes, I’m talking about Halloween here), I’m dedicating this month’s column to scary things everywhere. And I’m not simply referring to obviously freaky things (i.e., Silence of the Lambs, fast food, Michael Jackson). For some things, you have to dig a little deeper to find the freaky – but be sure – it’s hiding in there somewhere. Here are a few random things from the world of entertainment I deem weird enough for print.

-Tom Brady. As we are all well aware, football season has begun! And Tom Brady is as all-American as ever. Some of his freakishly cliché qualities: “Johnny Football Hero” super duper quarterback status, a supermodel girlfriend (hello, Gisele), classically handsome good looks (chin cleft and all), and a definitive white-bred name (Tom? Brady? I dare you to tell me he wasn’t destined for football stardom). In addition to all that, he now has the quintessential American status symbol: a monthly child support payment. Ah, he is human after all.

-OJ Simpson. As if one long, drawn out trial wasn’t enough, OJ seems to be a real sucker for bad publicity. He was recently busted in Las Vegas for being involved in an armed robbery. What was stolen? OJ merchandise. Classic. Of the incident, OJ says, “I thought what happened in Vegas stayed in Vegas.”

-Bob Costas (can you tell I’ve been watching a little too much ESPN lately?) The guy hasn’t aged in thirty years. My take? Botox. Or he’s an alien.

-Paris Hilton/Nicole Richie. Both have recently been quoted as saying, “Blah blah blah,” and “Blabity blah blah.”

-Pam Anderson’s new man. Again, in Vegas, Ms. Anderson was apparently down about $250,000 in a poker game to a man who offered to clear her debt for a little “lip action.” The two are now engaged. What?! She says, “He said if I made out with him that I could clear the thing … It worked out, I liked it … I paid off a poker debt with sexual favors and fell in love.” Oh, Pam.

So there we are. If that doesn’t scare you, I’m not sure what will. 

… I’m Thinking Cats Have It Better Than Celebrities 
-Patricia Scull


One thing I’ve noticed about cats is this: they tend to spend a helluva lot of time doing … a whole lot of nothing. Since I recently moved in with one (and its owner), at any given point in a day, this particular cat will be lounging in a spot of sunshine on the floor, eating, curled up in the bed, chasing imaginary (and real!) bugs, pooping, or throwing up. I’m not sure if that last one is normal cat behavior, but this is a weird cat.

I think that every once in a while, we should all take a cue from our feline compadres and make a beeline for the nearest warm, sunny spot on the floor. And I mean all of us. In particular, many of today’s celebrities. In a sick, twisted sort of way, you kind of have to feel bad for celebs because often, they are simply taking out the trash or going outside to get the newspaper and the next day, they end up on the front of a gossip mag.

One young starlet who gets a good majority of my pity votes (not that she cares, I’m sure) is Britney … do we really even need a last name here? Come on. I’ve seen her on several different trash rags (my new slang for tabloids) and it has eluded me slightly as to why the general public is so interested. I suppose the whole downward spiral thing is semi-interesting. Anyway, modeled after the daily life of a cat, this is my proposed solution for young celebrities to get their lives back on track:

-Start eating three or more times a day; a surprisingly simple cure for anorexia!
-Sleep for at least fourteen hours a day. This will reduce your chances of being photographed by those pesky paparazzi!
-Actually sleep when you get into a bed, thereby reducing the number of sex tapes that are illegally manufactured and sold behind your back, and also reducing time-consuming lawsuits;
-Make really smelly poos. Even if this is not general public knowledge, it will still remind you that you are actually a real person and not some all-hailed demi-god (an ailment that seems to affect a large percentage of celebrities).

I will omit “throwing up” from that little list of advice, as I am pretty sure that many celebrities do that on a fairly regular basis. So there we have it. The oh-so-simple remedies to all of life’s major problems. Who knew it could be so easy? 

childhood embarrassment, songs about monkeys, and david beckham 
-Patricia Scull

Let me tell you a little something about myself. I grew up with a father who would walk me through the grocery store, fart loudly, turn to his demure little pink-pastelled, hairbow-wearing daughter, grin accusingly, and exclain, “Patriiiiicia!” Loudly. And then there’s always the classic, “Is there a frog in your pocket?” Thanks, dad. Your daughter now has an unstoppable immunity to SHAME. … And I have embraced it completely. The other day, I fell off my boyfriend’s bed, Clueless style. If I had video clips of my life, I would have abs of steel from laughing so hard. My favorite things in life are (in order): sarcasm, irony, and anything that is obviously and unabashedly cheesy. Oh, and wine. But that is an entirely different story altogether.

Perhaps this is why I gravitate towards musical, and general, quirkiness. Here are a few of my favorite things this month:

Regina Spektor. (So she’s been around for like 2 years now; so sue me, I just started writing this article). Amazing. Classical piano training + Russian background + NYC upbringing = slightly left of center musical sustenance. If you’re into videos, check out “Us.”

HBO’s Flight of the Conchords. I find this show utterly hilarious. Funny New Zealand accents and episodes punctuated by songs with lyrics like “Who’s touching these monkeys? Leave those poor sick monkeys alone, they’ve got problems enough as it is” add up to quite a Sunday night addiction.

Lastly, and perhaps one of the most amusing events (in my opinion) to happen to pop culture lately, is dunh dunh DUNH! … David Beckham’s super-hyped voyage to America to play for the L.A. Galaxy. The other day, I saw a reality show completely devoted to Posh Spice. On ESPN, every other ad is that “Welcome David Beckham” ad. And to top it all off, I saw a listing on digital cable entitled, “Beckhamania.” What I’d like to know is … who is their PR person?! And how the heck do I get a nannying job at their house? Didn’t he have an affair with the nanny? Or was that some other ridiculously over-hyped, genetically superior celebrity?

So there they are, the entertainment tidbits that have for this month helped feed my unquenchable thirst for weirdness. In the meantime, I’m going to go watch a little TiVo’d program you may have heard about called “Beckhamania.” 

Dating ... is like buying jeans
-Patricia Scull

Men … are like blue jeans. (Women, perhaps, in the case that you are a boy. Or a lesbian.) What I mean is that … dating can be likened to the relationship you have with your pants. Think about it. Blue jeans are universally appealing; most everyone wears them. Most everyone dates. The only ready exception I can come up with at the moment is nuns: Nuns don’t date. However, do nuns wear blue jeans? My point exactly. Anyway. So you’re in a store. Maybe you’re looking for a new pair of jeans, maybe you’re not. (Contrary to popular belief, women aren’t ALWAYS looking for a pair of jeans). You spot THE cutest pair and rush over to get a closer look. From here, a number of things might happen. You go over to the rack and …

a) Realize that the “cute” jeans from far away are actually not-so-cute up close;
b) Take a gander at the price tag and realize that this particular pair of jeans is way out of your [price] range;
c) You may be turned off by some other various aspect of the blue jeans (for instance, they might have a wash on them that you couldn’t see from ten feet away, but up close, it looks as if a nauseous platypus has swallowed and then regurgitated them into a pit of mud);
d) OR you might get a look at them close up and realize that they seem pretty damn perfect. And they're in your size too. You grab them and head to the dressing room to try them on.

If you do indeed make it to step d, you are on your way to the second part of this colorful metaphor. So you liked the jeans enough to “try them on.” You’re past the initial “attraction” stage. What happens when you and the jeans are finally alone in the dressing room? I know all that fluorescent lighting can be a bit of a deterrent to the whole process. Just try to imagine that your ass doesn’t look like it has the consistency of canned dog food. Focus. On. The jeans. One of three things could happen here. You might fall in love with the jeans right then and there. Or, you might not really know just how you feel about them yet. Maybe you like the dark wash but hate the small belt loops. In this case, you just have to think carefully about what would benefit you better in the long run. Do you have a lot of big belts that these jeans just obviously wouldn’t work with? Or would you rather look past the belt issue and feel skinnier in a dark color pant? Whatever. It’s your choice here. Merely a matter of preference. Moving on. The third (and by far, worst) option here is that you could have the kind of encounter that makes you want to take a vow of celibacy. Just live in sweatpants. Well that’s pretty much the same thing. Let’s hope this never happens to you. Provided that you leave the dressing room encounter physically unscathed and emotionally unharmed, and you like the jeans enough to actually plunk down the coin for them, we are in completely new territory now.

So. The jeans are yours now. You and the jeans. The jeans and you. Sometimes though, as we all know, your favorite jeans can get a little boring after a while. Maybe that dark wash you loved so much at first has started to fade. Maybe they shrunk in the dryer, leaving you with an uneasy, overall crappy feeling about yourself, but you’re just not sure why. Maybe, even, your best friend stole them. In cases like these, it is often wise for you to opt to get up off your lazy ass and go jeans shopping again. Yes, yes, it’s sometimes a pain. But sometimes it’s a lot of fun. And really, how often does the perfect pair of jeans just magically appear, anyway?

Maybe you put your “favorite” pair of jeans in the closet for a little while and kind of forget about them, take some other pairs out for a test drive with the coveted “favorite” designation. Sometimes you come back to the original favorite. Sometimes you don’t. And sometimes, while you are out rendezvous-ing with your formerly less-than-favorite pair, (you know, that pair you’ve had forever with the fade that’s come naturally over time, the pair that you can rely on to make any top look great, the pair that you just never thought about because it’s always just been … there) … sometimes, over time, that pair in the middle of the laundry stack can suddenly morph into the jeans you’ve always dreamt about. You just never realized how great they made your ass look before.